I’m sorry to hear that you think Canada has nothing to offer you. Nothing the U.S. needs, like lumber or cars or oil or minerals or food? Molson, Labatt’s? Maple syrup? Not even Canadian Bacon? Could you use some nice clean water and cheap electricity, perhaps, during the coming years of fires, floods, tornados, blackouts, and fracking?
How about lebensraum? We’ve got lots. If you don’t need anything from Canada, I’m curious why you would want it as the 51st state? The current fifty seem barely able to hold together as it is. Your country can hardly any longer be called the United States. But there’s nothing as uniting as a good war, even a merely economic one! Provided it isn’t a civil war, of course.
Here’s a counter-proposal: the USA could become the 11th province of Canada. Our provinces manage to co-exist in a civilized manner. Our parliamentary system is superior to your dysfunctional two-party system. It has centuries of proven success around the world. Our founding fathers and mothers had the good sense to leave yours to their grandiose follies back in ’76. They knew then that the colonist’s revolutionary spirit was just a ploy to evade taxes. That the insistence on keeping slaves was a formula for future disaster. That “all men are created equal” was merely the starting signal for a race to become the most unequal country on earth.
Wouldn’t you prefer our flag, which says it all? The symbolism of the maple leaf evokes a sense of connection to nature and seasons. The Canadian flag won’t change if America becomes the 11th province. We don’t add stars to our flag as notches toward some manifest destiny. We don’t wave it frantically or post it on every house porch to prove our patriotism. Instead, you’ll be invited to assimilate peacefully and gratefully into our genteel way of life, without even having to cross a border. Our multiculturalism works, while your melting pot has become a seething cauldron. Our health care system is easy to use and nearly free, while yours is mind-bogglingly complex and impossibly expensive. We’d be happy to take you under our wing, to show you how it can be done. You don’t even have to fret about those Trudeaus anymore. What do you say?
It’s clear that you envy our nominal monarchy, since you fancy yourself a king. But we know that you are an upstart, who lacks the instinct of noblesse oblige. We see that MAGA means Make All Give Attention to Trump. Did you know that, before WW2, American school children recited the pledge of allegiance with the Nazi salute? Why not renew that ritual? After all, it’s good exercise to stretch high the arm; and the heart is the wrong destination for heavy hands. Ranks of your loyal minions could hail you with In Trump We Trust! While Canadians would just laugh at your histrionics, we could humour you as a figurehead, with typical Canadian politeness, as long as you don’t do any real mischief. After all, we are used to the monarchy as entertainment.
Oh, but it’s unfair that we spend our tax money on social programs instead of bombs? You’re tired of protecting us with your military might while we get a free ride? Isn’t it actually the other way around? Canada has long been your northern shield against the Red Menace, your buffer to keep the world safe for capitalism, your DEW line against the commie hordes. Haven’t you noticed that China and Russia are now world leaders of capitalism? If you don’t want to protect us from them, perhaps we could ally with them to protect us from you. If you don’t want to join us, then stick with your tariffs! We need to be more self-sufficient and less consumption-oriented anyway.